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The Best 350 Environmental Jokes by 10/10/10 http://apocadocs.com/s.pl?1197404275
Environmentalists, according to most conservative pundits, are a humorless lot. That's the rap, that's the rep, that's the registration. We're too serious, getting all "the ecosystem is collapsing" and all "if we don't eat wheat bran we'll be consuming up the world."
The ApocaDocs beg to disagree. We've been laughing about environmental collapse since 2008. We've logged more than 5,000 quips about news stories on Species Collapse, Climate Chaos, Resource Depletion, Biology Breach, Infectious Outbreak, and yes, even Recovery, during that time.
In support of 350.org's 10/10/10 initiative, we are gathering the 350 best jokes, quips, one-liners, puns, sarcasms, ironies, three-deniers-in-a-bars that you can provide.
Got a chuckle? Got a joke for the end of the world? Go over to http://apocadocs.com/cgi-bin/350jokes.cgi and share it. Or, just come and see it, and laugh at what members of your tribe are laughing at.
The ApocaDocs will add their best context-independent quips ("it's the ecology, stupid" or "The free market of corporate politics is our friend. They told me so." or "I'm not worried. I invested in ecology default swaps"), but we will happily discard anything we do, if something better comes along.
We reserve the right to edit, of course, and discard stupid crap. But you wouldn't create stupid crap -- you'd be funny! It's also possible we'll get 16,314 great jokes, and we'll have to whittle it down to the best 350. And that's our job (though we may devise a voting scheme, if there's great interest, and hope that others will help!).
In the end, we'll have a great resource for humor (full database available in XML, fully CC-wide-open licensed), perhaps including the 16,314 on offer.
We intend to have a random-joke-displayer on the apocadocs.com site, as well as category-of-joke generator for topical relevance.
Regardless, if you make us all laugh, you'll be proving the pundits wrong! Whattaya call that.... PRICELESS!
We can have a sane ecosystem restoration movement AND a bit of a laugh as we do it. Come join in the silliness -- add a joke for 10/10/10!
Entries actually close on 10/08/10, to give us time to edit. Come over now -- I bet you make yourself and others laugh!
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Your Quips:
Michael says: "It's the ecology, stupid!"
Bobo says: "The free market of corporate dominance is our friend. They told me so."
Gary says: "What's the chemical composition of the atmosphere these days? CO2much"
Maureen says: "How many deniers does it take to change a light bulb? 5% of the total, to confirm to each other that darkness is a theory."
Jim says: "It's pretty clear that humans plan to peak that oil where the sun don't shine. "
Franny says: "How risk-free do those crazy environmentalists want GMO stuff to be? I'm sure the experts understand all the possible consequences -- or they wouldn't be doing it at all. Right?"
Susan says: "How many deniers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: they won't touch CFLs."
Nancy says: "Ninety years ago we were in Model T's. I'm sure we'll think of something to fix the fix we're in. I mean, we wouldn't do something we couldn't fix, right?"
Bobo says: "Extinction means never having to say you're sorry."
Andy says: "Two deniers meet in a bar. The first says, "I hear that alcoholism is just a theory." The second says, "let's find out, by testing in the real world.""
Fred says: "If the end is near, then how come we're so myopic?"
Fred says: "Three species roll into a bar. The first says, "I'm threatened. You?"
The second says "I'm endangered. Got you beat."
The third says "I'm extinct. But my 3D rendering is almost lifelike, don't you think?""
George says: "If all the human-generated problems were laid end-to-end, how far would they extend? Until we addressed them."
Harold says: "A drunk denier was looking for his keys under a streetlamp. His friend said "why are you looking for them here? You lost your keys at the bar." The drunk denier said, "That's just a theory. The light is better here.""
Ursula says: "A BP executive bellied up to the keg at a party. He took the tap and began treating it like a drinking fountain.
When the outraged host saw the beer on the ground, the executive explained that many people were at fault in the calamity -- the person who handed him the tap, the beer tap that didn't stop as intended, the lack of training on correct operation of the tap. "Altogether unfortunate," he concluded.
"
Joel says: "When the collapse occurs, can I collect a retroactive tax on the deniers?"
Vera says: "I hear that bats are suffering from White Nose Syndrome. It's their own damn fault for letting their addictions control their lives."
blackjack says: "Here's one I've wondered about for awhile: why is it farmers are still considered "consumers"?"
Fishman says: "Did you hear about the endocrine-disrupted fish downstream of water treatment plants? Last I heard, they were all saying "that's what SHE said.""
Michael says: "I heard that "the permafrost is melting." Doesn't that indicate a fundamental problem with the English language?"
Fishman says: "When you think about climate change, doesn't it just make you feel all warm outside?"
Michael says: "So if we have enough hi-def IMAX 3D footage of the natural world, the next question is: do we then even NEED nature?"
Harold says: "You've heard about the Sixth Extinction, the one we're in now, where man-made changes are causing the worst mass extinctions in 65 million years, and growing? I think it just shows how badass humans are."
Paul says: "Y'know what scares me the most about environmental collapse? Imagining, as it gets worse, and worse, the logical gymnastics of the deniers."
SpamMan says: "The geoengineering crowd keeps talking about how it will "only" take 10 billion kilograms of nanotech sparklies pushed into the atmosphere to ward off the greenhouse sun. Seems like scientists would want to wait to see the results of the *existing* uncontrolled experiment on the real world, before starting on a new one."
sixofone says: "The Northwest Passage is now open, and the Arctic is melting. What happens to Superman's fortress of solitude? And where will Santa live?"
Marc says: "I believe in treating deniers with the respect they deserve. That's why I laugh derisively."
sixofone says: "They say that bees are abandoning their hives in record numbers. I think it's because their hive mortgages are underwater."
Betty says: "I'd tell you a joke about rampant consumerism, but I've got to drive my daughter to the mall."
PJ says: "How does Homer Simpson react to the fact that sea ice melting means that more sunlight and thus warmth will be absorbed by the water? Albed'oh!"
Bobo says: "I don't know whither the weather has whisked, nor whether the weather has withered. Whatever."
Carl says: "Said the corporate titan / to the common guy / don't stop to think / just run and buy / [a la Burma Shave]"
Carl says: "The problem is, the only way we could stop population growth is by spreading toxins to decrease fertility, worldwide. Sorta like bisphenol-A. Or flame retardants. Or pesticides and herbicides. Say! Maybe there's a silver lining in there, after all! "
Jim says: "I hear about another species going extinct and I say, "So?" -- I mean, jeez, we own MILLIONS of 'em."
Gotit says: "I don't know what's worse: believing that the collapse is unstoppable, or believing that there's a faint glimmer of hope that we can pull ourselves out of it."
Dumbgrid says: "We have warming oceans and we have giant ice shelves and ice bergs breaking off -- "can't we all just get along!""
Frank says: "Ideally, the coming climate collapse means I'll get laid a whole lot more!"
Jim says: "You heard about the warming ocean water bleaching coral -- that's when it dies and turns white? I mentioned that to my friend, and he said "Life's a bleach, and then you die.""
yeahme says: "I heard this term recently, "fossil water." They mean the water in aquifers that filled over hundreds of thousands, even millions of years, that we're draining in less than a century. But I couldn't help thinking, "Ick, *Trilobytes* were swimming in this?""
Vicki says: "There was an expert talking about the loss of the treasure trove of biodiversity in Africa and Asia. Seems to me that if monocrops are good enough for Iowa, they're good enough for Africa."
greatdarkspot says: "Q: How will we know when global warming has gone too far? A: When getting sent to Siberia is a reward, not a punishment."
blue aardvark says: "Q: When will Exxon Mobile admit that climate change is real? A: When they can profit from doing so."
trykindness says: ""Delay on climate change is no longer an option. I'll schedule a meeting on that.""
blue aardvark says: "Q: How many climate change deniers are required to change the light bulb? A: 242. One to hold the light bulb, four to grab the ladder and spin it, and 237 to search through East Anglia's email database looking for evidence that scientists sabotaged the light bulb."
dov12348 says: "In children's books of the future, the sun will have an angry face instead of a smiling face.
"
Michael says: "Take environmental collapse... *please!*"
redddbierd says: "Q: Why did the polar bear swim across the Northwest Passage? A: What's a polar bear?"
positronicus says: "Two words: Penguin Ranching."
Bobo says: "I just read that the plastic additive BPA is a serious endocrine disruptor, causing malformed genitalia in mammals and other problems. The EPA thinks more study is needed -- we wouldn't want to go off half-cocked, after all."
trykindness says: "Yes We Can transition to clean energy! Just NIMBY! "
citizenofearth says: "The Japanese are raising Endangered Species Awareness... one Whale sushi roll at a time.
"
Erin says: "What if the deniers are right, and we accidentally spend the next decade saving the economy, instead of the ecosystem?"
Anne says: "Here's a way to avoid rising temperatures...just switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius thermometers. think this is from Jimmy Kimmel"
koNko says: "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because a polar bear was stalking him."
Michael says: "Humans, via
unchecked, mindless, unceasing growth, consumption, and development, have
come to the brink of destroying our own habitat -- in the course of just a few
generations! How funny is *that*?"
Daniel says: "You heard about the flesh-eating bacteria that has an enzyme that cancels out antibiotics? Yeah, I heard it was created as a publicity stunt for one of the zombie movies, but got out of control."
Jim says: "Kurt Vonnegut said that humans were a virus that the Earth's immune system was trying to get rid of. If only we evolved as fast as viruses do!"
asiegel says: "Q: Why'd you buy that land in the Appalachias? A: I want my grandkids to have beachfront property."
asiegel says: "The Hippies of the 60's are really coming back. Now the *ocean* is on an acid trip."
asiegel says: "Why are zombies angry at environmental bloggers? They feel insulted to be thrown in with climate deniers."
asiegel says: "What did Jim Inhofe say to the Devil after his first month in Hell? "I'm sure it's all part of a natural warming cycle.""
Charles says: "I was recently wondering whether climate denial was a posture or a derangement. If it's a posture, then it's scoliosis. If it's a derangement, then it's the belief that if we keep doing what we've always done, something different will occur. I'm still not sure which."
Charles says: "Why did the polar bear cross the permafrost? He wanted a bit of a swim."
Charles says: "They say De Nile is a river in Egypt. I say, Denial is a river in the Arctic."
asdf says: "If Nature didn't want us to use all that oil, she'd have put it where it would be hard for humans to get."
asdf says: "I think it's my right to use the rivers, the earth, the ocean, the air, the valleys, and the mountains as my trash can. After all, I'm only human."
Harry says: "What is it about environmentalism that ticks off the Right? Isn't conserving our resources fundamentally, um, conservative?"
ErinGoBragh says: "Isn't it weird that China is the current world leader in green technology? Shouldn't that be Ireland?"
madagastar says: "Adam Smith's "invisible hand of the marketplace" seems to be a shoplifter."
Don says: "I have to wonder when people say "oh, we'll figure out a technological fix to the problem." What, do they think Ron Popeil will invent the Cool-O-Matic? "It not only slices and dices, but it also sequesters *twice the carbon!*"
BurmaShave says: "Said the droughted farmer / who'd not seen a drop / I wish I could / backdate the crop"
ApocaDocs says: "A certain corporation just gave us $250,000 to promote its product, and so now we think that "climate change is economic recovery." Arbeit macht frei, ja?"
BurmaShave2 says: "Said the GMO farmer / who'd not touched a drop / I think I will / update the crop"
Harry says: "What's the deal with this thing we started doing, called "disposable"? Where do they think that coffee lid's going? A black hole? The Land of the Lost? Bizarro Earth? "
Al says: "A priest, an environmentalist, and a denier were on a plane without a parachute as its engines quit. The priest said "God will provide," and jumped out. The environmentalist said "Nature might provide a tree to break my fall," and jumped. The denier said "The invisible hand of the marketplace will catch me," and invested in gold. "
Randy says: ""Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Armageddon."
"Armageddon who?"
"Armageddon tired of all these fluorocarbons.""
Gary says: "Why is it that the worst offenders make the most money, and they can spend it on campaign contributions to the most corrupt, and end up making even more money so they can offend even more? Should that spiral away into infinity?"
Francis says: "Presuming technology will solve the problem of climate change is understandable, but don't forget that it took us several hundred years to put wheels on luggage."
Jim says: "Did you hear the new analysis of the visual of CO2 and global warming, usually called the "hockey stick"? Not only is it pretty much validated, but we're all pucked."
Beurt says: "When the Arctic is ice-free, will we call it the North Pool?"
dumbgrid says: "Maybe the way to get people more interested in Dead Zones would be to call them Zombie Zones."
Mandy says: "If a tree falls on an island submerged by rising sea level and there's no one there to hear it, will it drown?"
Malarky Mel says: "Given coal's horrible impact on global warming we are all a bunch of canaries."
Okay says: "I read this story about overconsumption using up the earth. But if I can't define myself by the crap I own, how do I know I exist?"
NoHope says: "I'll just bet the idea of industry monitoring itself when it comes to toxicity of its products, processes and its waste ... came from industry."
Larry the Loo says: "Water contaminated by feces that creates diarrhea sounds like a vicious, shitty cycle.
"
Michael says: "Environmentalists always are whining about invasive species. And in the next breath, they worry about biodiversity. To my mind, invasive species are just part of *man-made biodiversity.*"
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This will become a weapon in the war against denial! Our humor will be unstoppable!
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